The Worst Feelings Ever, According to People’s Experiences

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Mind on the Loose

From my own experience:

Feeling like your mind is slowly slipping out of your control. To go from a person who was able to remember the faces of kindergarten classmates after 25 years to not remembering pictures that you took of your children last weekend at her first t-ball game, or not remembering the t-ball game at all. Constantly letting people down because you can’t remember to do even the simplest tasks like making a phone call or asking a question. Very little gets committed to long term memory these days. Nearly half of all interactions I have with people that I am asked to recall something result in me admitting I don’t recall. That number goes up well beyond half if the thing was from less than 2 years ago. Walking around in what can only be described as a dream state because of brain fog. The fog can feel so thick that simple questions start mild panic attacks while I scramble to formulate a coherent response. I used to be a jovial, generally outgoing person, but now I prefer to keep to myself because I’m afraid of interacting with people. Can they tell I’m losing my mind? Can they tell the point I’m trying to make isn’t quite made because I couldn’t hold the thought long enough to form a complete thought? Can the people who know me tell me that I’m losing it? Is it just me?

The headaches, the headaches, the headaches. I don’t know where the headaches come from, but they must all be related. The headaches used to come and go, but now they never really go, sometimes just dulling down. Actually, they never really come, either. Headaches seem to be ever-present.

My executive function (the command and control of the brain) has fallen so far from my old self that I am not able to take on complex thought activities. I used to write policies and opinions as an expert in my field. Develop complex strategies with multiple steps, triggers, and contingency plans. Now I can’t read a page of text without stopping 20 times to re-read, refocus, or gain control of my eyes. It takes hours to write a 5 sentence response email. The information isn’t stuck in my head. The filing system in my brain is so jumbled up that the files aren’t ever available for recall. (I won’t remember it later)

All of these symptoms combine to make me Feel like I’m losing control of myself. I was always a cerebral person, often lost in thought, contemplative, deep thought. Now I just get lost. They all seem to move as a team building up each other and strengthening as a group as my mind gets weaker. I might end up mentally absent long before I die. I might not remember my child’s first dance recital. I might not remember my wedding day. I might remember those things. I don’t know. But it is a real possibility that my mind goes, and the slow creep of this possibility into my world is absolutely the worst feeling.